What do you do when you’d rather hole up in your house and make friends with only those who are safe.
Those two-dimentional friends whose lives have a neat beginning and polished end, with a shiny jacket to boot.
Yes, I know those kinds aren’t real.
And yes I know those kinds don’t bring about real relationship.
And yes, I know that that’s what I’m truly after.
Sometimes those bookish friends would be just easier to manage.
And mainly, just much safer.
What happens when you are called to live in the midst of a world in which you don’t belong?
How do you live with eyes always on the eternal and continue to well, live here.
Some days that is so hard.
Not on days when life is a bit rough round the edges. Of course those days, it’s easy to fixate on what’s to come. Sometimes desperately so.
Lately, it’s been the days that are so lovely and pure. Days that pour out love and peace and a contentment that’s been missing. Days that you never want to end. But even with all the sunshiney peace, the edges still gleam a bit sharp and those days still leave a subtle ache within that still, I haven’t found what I’m truly looking for.
Still, I haven’t found who I truly am.
There are glimpses and there are moments and those are such a gift.
But usually, they leave this heart aching and yearning for just a bit more.
Really, for a whole lot more.
How can I push through these days satisfied with my selfish and small-minded plans?
How do I get lost in the minuscule moments and miss the whole aching story swirling around me?
How do I live in but not of, and someone tell me how I continue on when what awaits is what all of creation is groaning for.
And I’m not excluded in that groaning.
Don’t we want more?
Don’t we want to live fully alive and aware and awake to the fullness of the time and the presence of the One, even Him outside of it?
So much of this is just silly really.
Where are we going?
And with whom?
And who are we missing?
Why haven’t we linked arms with that one who is breaking?
How do we continue to miss this?
How do we see with eyes that are diseased and deeply blinded?
How do we know with minds that are cracked and deeply wounded?
How do we love with hearts writhed and deeply thirsty?
When will He ever be enough for me?
When will I ever long for Him above all else?
When will I ever seek Him first for the deepest of all my yearnings?
When will I ever trust Him as the perfectly faithful Father that He is?
What are these aching echoes and what do they point to?
What am I seeking and where am I seeking it from?
Because no life change, no season change, no wardrobe change, no waist line change, no scenery change, no relational change, no amount of change will meet those deepest longings.
When will I ever truly learn this?
Fulfillment and joy and contentment isn’t waiting around the next bend that life throws my way.
It isn’t in the things I fall short in; waiting to pull myself up by the bootstraps.
It isn’t in the things I’d like to change about myself; somehow to make myself not well, me.
It’s in Him.
Only in Him are the deepest longings stilled.
Only in Him are the deepest longings met.
Only in Him will my restless heart find rest (Augustine).
When will I ever truly learn this?
And night? It sinks in.
And life? It will continue to slip silently by.
And what will become of all of it?
What of this one day will last?
What of this one life will remain for all eternity?
And these questions? I’m not looking for you to answer them. Let’s rest together in this place of not knowing, but of knowing the One who does. Can we do that? Can we let Him be bigger than the box we’ve custom made for Him?
Because He already has and continues to answer the deep questions of this weathered heart.
But all of these are questions we must ask and continue to ask.
Seek and continue to find.
Knock and continue to step through the door that is opened to us…