So for the past few weeks, I’ve been jokingly mentioning to friends that I’m going through a mid-life crisis.
And it’s funny really, because hopefully it’s more a crisis of the quarter-life nature. But also not funny, because in many ways it’s true.
So, my husband is in the military, right? Which equates to frequent moves and constantly uprooted lives and homes and friendships, to name a few. All of which is….not much fun.
And each move and transition brings for me a host of unexpected feelings, beyond all the obvious ones.
It leaves me a bit stuck.
Not sure who I am. Not sure how to go forward. Not sure how what’s behind connects with what’s now and all that lays ahead. Disjointed realities, always searching for the cohesiveness of God’s plans.
Always back again at the preverbal drawing board of my life, trying to understand what exactly I was created for and how exactly it intersects this specific space and season of life. Or really, just any piece of life.
Hard questions. Good questions.
Not questioning my worth and value in the eyes of my Creator, or my ultimate purpose in bringing Him glory. Just, what does that even really look like? And how do I even really begin to live that out?
So it’s been rather comical, in a not-so-amusing kind of way, to find myself right back there again. No move, no upheaval. Just a simple change of season.
Really, a change of chapter within a season. Part two of life here in Japan. Who would have thought it possible.
And this change of chapter is really great. Most days, it’s exciting to think about what’s ahead and dream with the Lord in what He has for me. To rest from what is behind, and prepare for whatever’s to come.
But some days, it feels a bit more like a crisis of the milestone variety.
You see, I’m still out there on that limb. Trusting God, without really fully knowing. And it’s true, I don’t know what He’s doing, but I do know who He is.
Whether it is this, or not, doesn’t change His good plans for me. It doesn’t change His pure and loving heart towards me.
And I thought today, that maybe these weeks of crisis….maybe they are more than I’m giving them credit for.
Maybe they are more like the best kind of crisis.
Restlessness and deep questions, bringing me to my knees before my Savior. Discontentment and frustration, drawing me to raw prayer. Heartache and hunger, calling me to the very Words of life.
Is it really a crisis if it ushers me to more intimacy with Christ?
There is meaning, in the before and in the after. But especially, there is deep meaning in this in-between of waiting. In this seemingly crisis-like, in-between of refining.
And the beauty of it?
Not only am I being refined, but what He has for me and who He’s made me to be is getting clearer as well. How all these dreams and passions and gifts and opportunities and needs align for such a time as this. All these desires and experiences He’s shaped, just may all fit together to create a story no one would ever believe, let alone even fathom.
He’s more than capable of that.
And if that takes crisis-inducing waiting to birth forth…
Then without a doubt, it’s the best kind of crisis. And one worth wrestling, all the way through.
“Look at the nations and watch– and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told.” Habakkuk 1:5
“That is what the Scriptures mean when they say, “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him.” 1 Corinthians 2:9