I lie awake.
It’s late, and I find myself restless. Tossing and turning, fighting sleep, and things deeper than simple shut-eye.
Fears, and doubts, and unknowns, rising up, clamoring to be heard. Thoughts that twist down dark, yet familiar roads. Anxieties with viselike grips, unannounced and uninvited.
Deeply grooved paths I’ve frequently traveled on.
Yes, we’ve been here before.
But the fork in the road, that’s familiar now too. The ever-present choice to turn instead and think other thoughts, believe other Truths, dwell instead in the light breaking forth through the darkness.
There will always be the questions. There will always be the unknowns.
But instead of living in the swirl of haunting fears, I am learning to live in the hope of the things that I do know.
That He has intricately made me, knows every hair and day. (Psalm 139)
That He has beautiful and life-giving plans for every moment of my one, fleeting life. (Romans 8)
That what He has birthed in me, He will undoubtably bring to completion. (Philippians 1)
Things I know, and remember. Things I meditate on and fasten my mind to.
New paths to wear deeper groves down.
Yes, we’ve been here before too.
If I’m really honest, knowing it all and seeing unto the end of my days in all it’s infinite detail would render me incapacitated. Even though the fear seems to do that now, I know the revealing would be far too much to bear. The good yes, but especially all the hard to come.
And that, dear soul, is the beauty and magnitude of God’s grace. There is a freedom in the not knowing. A rest that comes from trusting in the One who holds all things together. (Colossians 1) A cultivating of desperate dependency that God knows we need.
This blessed uncertainty that awakens in us deep faith and far richer trust.
Even these can bring me humbly to the end of myself, even these can become catalysts to cemented certainties in my life.
And so I can rest, and in all ways.
Rest from the fears. Rest in the unknowns.
And rest in the very palm of my Savior’s hand.
“Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.” Psalm 62: 5-8